The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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