that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning