I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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