i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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