How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
