Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
