it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
