This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
