he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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