did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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