i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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