Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
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I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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