Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
