that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
