i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
