I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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