Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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