I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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