I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
