If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm at about main and main street
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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