I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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