Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
