Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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