last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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