the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
