It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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