dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
