your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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