Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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