So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
