I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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