hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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