Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
