so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
bring money and cleavage
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
