I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Did I show you my penis last night?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
