Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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