my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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