you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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