She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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