My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
