There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I did not marry a roomba.
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