as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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