I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
