I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
