Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
