My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
