I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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