every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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