I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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