I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
