This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
