so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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