I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
