On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
