I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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