Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
