so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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