he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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