I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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