My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
