I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
