his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize