Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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