Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
