He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
